Breakdown

I usually have the strength to hold back my tears until at least after school; however, today I had a slightly hard time holding tears back past third period. It is not like me at all to just cry in front of people. That’s what gets me in trouble in the first place isn’t it? Yes, yes it is.
Third period, I was talking to one of my mom teachers, and I just lost it. Tears began to run down my face without any warning at all. From that point on, I couldn’t stop the tears from continuing to flow down my face. Luckily, I didn’t have to go to fourth period…
I always feel bad when I go into lunch period crying because my other mom teacher has to sit there and see me crying, but she can’t do anything about it because there are other students in the classroom at the time. I don’t do it on purpose, but sometimes things happen I guess.
People keep telling me I need to get help of some sort… Maybe someday I will… Maybe someday my parents will be the ones encouraging me to do so… Maybe someday, I will be able to get through each and every single day without the fear of World War Three breaking out in my house….
Is that to much to ask? Am I really that bad of a person? To I show more emotion than I should? Why can’t I trust people to the max, they mean well don’t they?

So many questions and scenarios run through my head each and everyday… But, I do know, from this life I will become a strong independent women. Maybe someday I will be that women… Till then I need to be careful not to have another breakdown anytime soon.

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Just venting

Okay, today I was sitting on the couch reading a book I have to read for school. My dad was sitting across the room.

My dad: Kay you need to stop being lazy, your getting fat… All you do is read. You need to get active.

Me: *Just staring at him*

That right there probably broke me more than it should have. All my life I have been dealing with remarks like that from him, from my school, and from my doctor. There are people who try to tell me I am at a fine weight, but how am I supposed to believe that when the people I’m supposed to believe are telling me other wise.

I am 5’5 and 150…

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Seriously I don’t get why he just can’t be like… Kay, you don’t drink, you don’t smoke, you don’t do drugs, your not having sex, you get awesome grades, I am proud of you kid. But no instead he sits here and calls me fat and lazy… Thanks, I needed that Dad. Now time to cry myself to sleep.

Open letter time

Saw this today, so I’m going to give it a try…

Dear Alcohol,
In my opinion you should have never ever been created. Do you know how many lives you have destroyed? Not only in deaths, but in memories and future thoughts. Why are you such a bad thing when people just want to have fun?

My father is addicted to you. Mr. Alcohol you stole the father I once knew right from my hands. I used to be his baby girl. The one he loved and cared about. Now I am not a match for you, alcohol.

No matter what good I do… Good grades, nhs, nhshss, and so much more, I still can’t please the man who used to be my father.

You ruined my parents relationship… They used to love each other so much. Now the only love they have is the fighting they do on a daily basis. You make my father someone he is not! You make him angry all the time. You make him not love his own family all because he is in love with you!

Lets just get this straight… I will never, ever trust you Mr. Alcohol. You are nothing to me. Just a bunch of trash in a bottle. You don’t even deserve to exist. I think life would be a better place if you didn’t exist personally…

That’s all I have to say for now… Think about what I said and maybe someday you can release my father from your trap, so I can have the man I knew best back.

Sincerely,
Me 🙂