Breakdown

I usually have the strength to hold back my tears until at least after school; however, today I had a slightly hard time holding tears back past third period. It is not like me at all to just cry in front of people. That’s what gets me in trouble in the first place isn’t it? Yes, yes it is.
Third period, I was talking to one of my mom teachers, and I just lost it. Tears began to run down my face without any warning at all. From that point on, I couldn’t stop the tears from continuing to flow down my face. Luckily, I didn’t have to go to fourth period…
I always feel bad when I go into lunch period crying because my other mom teacher has to sit there and see me crying, but she can’t do anything about it because there are other students in the classroom at the time. I don’t do it on purpose, but sometimes things happen I guess.
People keep telling me I need to get help of some sort… Maybe someday I will… Maybe someday my parents will be the ones encouraging me to do so… Maybe someday, I will be able to get through each and every single day without the fear of World War Three breaking out in my house….
Is that to much to ask? Am I really that bad of a person? To I show more emotion than I should? Why can’t I trust people to the max, they mean well don’t they?

So many questions and scenarios run through my head each and everyday… But, I do know, from this life I will become a strong independent women. Maybe someday I will be that women… Till then I need to be careful not to have another breakdown anytime soon.

Will Today be the Same as Yesterday?

Do you ever have those days that when you wake up, you feel as if the day is going to be the best one you’ve had in a long time? Then not long after being awake, your realize you couldn’t have been more wrong even if you tried…. That’s how yesterday was for me.

I woke up to the smell of French toast being cooked. This was the first time someone (other than me) has cooked a meal in over a week. I get up and race out to the kitchen. My mom’s out there making her delicious French toast, and my dad is in the living room playing on his phone.
We ate like a family for the first time in a really long time. Then it started to go downhill from there. They started bickering because mom made mention of one of dad’s “girlfriends.” You can’t mention that without my dad becoming cranky…
My mom left for work around 9:45 am… And not even 20 minutes later, my dad told me he was going to be out of the house till 2:00p.m, and I had till then to find a place to go. I wasn’t allowed at my own house. Him telling me that, made me feel like a terrible daughter.
I had drama from 11-12, but I stayed there until 3. I then went into state college with a few friends from drama until around 10. I then stayed at my nans. Thankfully during this time, I had my pastor to repeatedly tell me that this wasn’t my fault.
My mom got home from work around 7:30 and was wondering why I didn’t come home all day, do I told her to ask my father. He told her that I just said I wasn’t coming home all day. Therefore, I got into even more trouble.
Now I am sitting in my car before going into church, wondering if today is going to be a repeat of yesterday. Please God, give me the patience to get through this day. AMEN.

Senior Year

     Yesterday I got my senior pictures taken by one of my favorite teachers. I was so excited to finally get them done. Then the realization hit me. I am going to be a senior this year. This is my final year of highschool. This is crazy! Time flies when you’re least expecting it too!
     Twelfth grade is the time of your life where you make decisions that affect the rest of your life. What college you want to go to. What you want to go to college for. It’s the most stress one has to feel until they get older.
      Luckily, I know what I want to be, and I am pretty sure that I know what college I want to go to. All I have to worry about is getting accepted into the college that I want to go to. I’m going to be beginning to apply for colleges very soon.

Does anyone know any colleges that have a really good marine biology programs as well as a good study abroad program? Any suggests would be greatly appreciated! Thank you in advance!

Realizing Everything is Going Wrong

Have you ever realized how in just a few weeks people can disappear out of your life? How things can change dramatically? Wanting everything to rewind just isn’t working.
My last post was a happy one at the beach right? No fighting. I was happy.

Yeah, well that has crashed down real quick… My parents now scream at each other as they walk through the door, scream at each other when a phone goes off, and even scream at each other because they’re screaming at each other. Like can you not?!?
They yell at my sister and I for our little arguments that we have, but haven’t they realized maybe that’s all we know. Because that is all they do?.
My moms best friend is like a mom to me. She is my best friend and is always there for me. Now she isn’t allowed at my house, and I’m not supposed to talk to her. Well that’s a heck of a change. How am I supposed to go from telling everything to someone to never seeing them or talking to them again?
I believe it’s finally time to start disagreeing with my parents. Something has got to change here. There’s obviously something wrong, and they are punishing everyone else for it instead of themselves.
Is it really that hard to stop drinking? Is it really that hard to stop fighting? Is it really that hard to understand me?

Comment if you can relate.

Mediums

Okay, I absolutely love watching Long Island Medium. By far my favorite show on TLC. Theresa is a great person and my mom and I have always wanted to meet her.

So, I am sitting here during commercial break of a rerun of Long Island Medium writing this post. A random thought came to mind. If I met her, who would I want to come forward?

Well, I think the most important person I would want to come forward would be my Grammy Peggie. She was probably the best friend I have ever had. We were extremely close. I still talk to her everyday like she is still here.

If my gram didn’t come forward I would hope that either my Grandma Meace or my great Aunt Judy would come forward.

My Aunt Judy died of ALS when I was three. Before she passed away I would go down all the time and help take care of her. I was the only kid she allowed in the room with her. I would help bathe her, help change her diaper, and then we would play dolls together. I brought a doll and she had her own. We would switch dolls when we played.

I remember staring out the screen door as Judy was taken away in an ambulance. The was the last time I ever saw her. My gram gave me her doll because she said I was the only one she trusted with him.

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This doll is my best friend. And I can tell him anything (and he won’t tell anybody else). I have had this doll for 13 years now. Just last march, my Gram Meace who gave me the doll passed away. That was hard.

I was in Sunday school when I received the text from my mom telling me that my gram passed away. Bawling while acalighting at church. It was hard. At the funeral, I took Johnathon (the baby doll) with me. It was really hard to go see her in the casket, so I said my goodbyes when the casket was closed.

So, if you had the chance with a medium, who would you want to come forward? It can be a hard question sometimes! Think hard :).

Help me!

Okay since I already posted something today I’m just going to ask this. There’s not many of you, but those who are following me I have some questions. Please answer honestly and give back any feedback.

Questions:

1.) do you guys like what I write?

2.) what is it about my writing you guys like the most?

3.) what do you think I should change about my blog and why?

4.) is there something you would like me to try? I am up for any challenges!! :).

5.) which of my post do you guys like the most?

6.) pick something you want to know about me in general… It can be anything. Try to keep it clean.

Feel free to answer all the questions, some of the questions, or just one of the questions. Feedback is gratefully appreciated :).

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Mustache :).!!!!